Monday, 17 November 2014

An Adoptees Letter to First Parents

Recently I read a letter from a adoptee to their adoptive parents. In a attempt at pure plagiarism and balancing the books I offer this letter to natural parents.

Dear Mother/father or both,

When i was born I was taken from my mothers arms either at birth or some weeks after.  In some cases it could have been many years later and was unilaterally allocated to new parents to be raised as if of their family.  As babies we knew nothing of the events that made this happen; all we knew was that the person who nurtured us was no longer a part of our lives.

As our first parents we are all aware of the pain you have endured with the removal of us and you will always have our empathy and admiration. but please never forget that the unremembered trauma that we who were adopted as babies often started with the emotional stress you had whilst you were carrying us in your room. I know you never meant for this to happen but it did from the minute you realised that you were pregnant and that the possibility of having us in your lives was never going to happen despite a deep seated desire for it to be so.  Then there was the trauma of us leaving you forever, again for babies a unremembered trauma. For some we were to be bonded with our mothers until adoption. we would have been breast fed and nurtured by you only to be dragged from your arms when we were about six weeks old. For others it was the cruel taking at birth never ever to be with their mother.

But this is not remembered because as babies we only remember some events from three years of age. The older children would have a very concise experience of what happened which happens today with child protection placement and many people adopted from other countries.

But by not having a memory how do you expect us to know how you felt, how do you expect us to have knowledge of that traumatic event and even feel pain. it does effect us daily by virtue of the fact that it has helped to develop our personalities and safety levers which we have used to , in most places grow up and become productive and good members of the society that initially had decided we were second class citizens.  For mothers, the few  who actually chose to, our removal and adoption allowed them close a chapter on their past and to create a new life as if we never existed. but for the  majority it was always a memory and emptiness in your hearts that sadly will never be mended.

As children growing up we all experienced the many facets of life and depending upon whom our adoptive parents some had a really loving childhood, others had a childhood full of brutality and many also had a a fair to middling childhood. you can be assured that the small majority appears to have had a reasonable to good life and  a large minority were sadly subjected to some for of emotional of physical abuse. this is most unfortunate and i am sure not what the so called experts were telling you back at the time of birth. but do not believe the exaggerated claims of most adoptees having a brutal life, that adoptees commit suicide because of being adopted (although it may have been a small contributory factor) or that your son may have developed criminal tendencies or even murder.  If your child is gay do not blame the adoptive parents because the odds are this developed whilst in the womb and i  fact may have been a result of the stress experienced whilst there.

Like you , adoptees have had at many periods over their lives emotional issues that truly needed professional support but none were available. So forgive us if we have fallen into the arms of charlatans and other quick fix bloodsuckers. However this will slowly be sorted and hopefully there will be a vast range of professional services that will help them, and for that matter you to accept that which can never be changed.  But from experience the road is long and many pitfalls will occur but keep on getting back up.

Attempting as two mature adults to unite again is one of the most terrifying events of all. you have two adults , not mother and child, but two mature adults who have led completely different lives and have had no shared experiences.  The failure rate is high and if we do not  develop a relationship, it is not any ones fault. The myth of the maternal bond is just that because the bond was shattered all those years ago.  Try to read the signals coming from your adult child. Do not condemn their parents without their lead nor express gratitude towards them for the same reason. How their adoptive parents have raised them have also influenced their lives and as with any parental relationship there are good bad and in the middle. but their parents have spent their entire life with them whereas you have not. it is difficult and many say they deserve to know the truth but don't try to shove it down their throat in one go. Assess the situation and answer truthfully when they ask questions. Be honest as you can and please do not throw back to well documented rhetoric and mantras. We adoptees have a good radar for that and mostly we can see anything that appears out of place.  After the initial meeting of all goes well the honeymoon period will start and that is a time of joy for many. but all honeymoons end as after that both adoptee and parent will have to work very hard at maintaining a adult relationship based upon equals. There will be no go zones which should be respected and hopefully over the decades life will be good.

The one giant no no that mothers and fathers should never tell an adoptee is that they are immature, inexperienced have been brainwashed and don't know what they are talking about because the mothers  know best. Just as adoptees will never ever fully understand what our mothers and yes some fathers endured, you will never know what adoptees feel and have endured. each experience is unique, each method of handling the fact they were taken is different. there is no common mantra or life that adoptees have led.  In each case the adoptee is a unique person but is fully experienced in adoption as they have lived it all their lives. Some may have actually lived it without knowing that they were in fact adopted. They have the double jeopardy of the trauma of pre birth, removal then the final betrayal of realising their history is false, the triple whammy of trauma you may say. but inexperienced naive or brainwashed they are not. They are all human beings who have led lives that should be validated and accepted just as your life as our original patents should be validated and accepted. You both are equals in this tragic drama called adoption.

Please listen to these words our natural parents and hopefully they will assist in the difficult times when you relate to your sons and daughters who were removed so early in their lives

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